SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: THE BARROWBOY, JASON ORANGE, TRUNDLES BACK TO THE HACIENDA

THE Harbarrowboy has returned to his hammock in the hacienda for the festive season - after his brief 'keeping up appearances' return to the Fun Palace.

Jase's invisible man act has, remarkably, failed to stir even a second of interest from his former staff in the Culture Company.

He has not been seen since he popped in for half an hour to show his incredibly orange face.

Staff are all too busy trying to get the show on the road to be arsed about their former £150,000-a-year chief executive returning to Spain for another jolly.

No one cares what happens to him - if anything few appear to have even noticed his absence. (It's hardly as if the Culture Company has suddenly lurched from crisis to crisis since he disappeared post the Mathew Street debacle, is it? eds)

Typists in the Municipal Building who threatened to strike have now been re-assured by Cover Up that Jason Orange will too busy topping up his tan in the future to bother them.

(We've made this last bit up and included it anyway, cos it made us laugh out loud, eds)

So what is likely to happen now?

We have opened a special book on it:

1) Jase could return to a hero's welcome for the opening ceremony on January 11/12th.

(Unthinkable, eds)

2) Jase could turn russet brown.

(Highly likely, eds)

3) Jase could become a Continental cultural consultant and go around Europe conning Eastern Europe into taking him seriously.

(Possible, eds)

4) Jase could bring a barrow to Wimbledon next year, selling strawberries to go with his Spanish ice cream.

(Too obvious, eds)

5) Jase could stay on the sick for the entire duration of 2008 and pocket £150,000 a year, plus Performance Related Pay, for doing precisely fuck all.

(This would be no different from previous years, so we are ruling it out completely, eds)

6) Jase could sue the council for constructive dismissal and with his massive compensation award, buy a holiday home for the foolish Fireman in the Canaries as a gesture of gratitude.

(Even money on this, eds)

7) Jase could retire with a minimum two years salary (more than £300,000, plus Performace Related Pay, tax-free, eds) as the city council give him a bumper pay-off just to see the back of him while the foolish Fireman begs the local media to: "Move On/Forget About My Disastrous Blunders".

(Hot favourite, eds)

8) Jase sets up a consultancy with Sir Diddy, Robbing Archer, Chris Green and Kevin Johnston who have all taken huge pay-offs from the council, and laugh all the way to the bank at how they have ripped off the council tax payers of Liverpool for more than £1million.

(A dead cert, eds)

SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: WHAT IS THE COST OF THE OPENING EVENT?

SO FAR, the launch event for Liverpool Capital of Culture 2008, has cost a cool £1.3million.
Now how many council house repairs, or jobs for unemployed Liverpool lads, or extra bobbies on the beat, could that pay for?

More follows soon.....

NOT 'ALL TOGETHER NOW' PART 2

MORE on Fireman Bradley's banning of The Farm from Capital of Culture because they are backing Lee Forde....

Of course our lovable pop mop tops do not know anything at all about the 'Bradley ban' - no one in the Culture Company has had the bottle to break it to them so far.

Mouth Almighty Jane Casey (oh god is she still around? eds) had a meeting yesterday about the Opening Ceremony with Peter Hooton from The Farm and never mentioned the ban once.

That's because she didn't know about it and has been too busy recently counting all the loot she has been paid by the Culture Co to keep her gob shut.

So The Farm are still waiting to be told about the Fireman Bradley ban - ordered because he does not like The Farm for publicly and proudly supporting scape-goated Lee Forde over Mathew St.

However, we can also reveal that so childish and petty is Fireman Bradley that he actually refused to play the new CoC vid at a recent meeting, because 'All Together Now' was still on the soundtrack.

How much more embarrassing to the city of Liverpool can this foolish fireman get? (Oh there's tons more of this stuff to come - just you wait, eds)

Bradley's childish megalomaniac antics have caused much disbelief and merriment in the Fun Palace, which now has the unenviable task of producing an expensive new soundtrack.

(It would be a good Freedom of Information question to put to Colin CoverUp so that we could try to unravel the precise cost of the Bradley ban, wouldn't it? eds. Then someone could send Bradley a bill for wasting council taxpayer's money.)

Despite trying to commission the new soundtrack, Culture staff have yet to work out how to tell Casey that The Farm are off the Opening Ceremony bill.

(They can read it here, can't they? eds)

Of course, the lovable popsters might be back on the bill straightaway, if something unfortunate were to suddenly happen to Fireman Bradley between now and Christmas (what ever can he mean? eds)

Perish that thought....