DONALD BULLSHITTER GOES ON HOLIDAY AS MACCA ISSUES £1.9MILLION ULTIMATUM OVER ANFIELD GIG

Guess what the Culture Company theme song is?

It's here:



Gallows humour has gripped the Fun Palace as staff watch the £150,000-a-year-plus executives flap around like headless chickens. With one exception - as the Macca ultimatum over Anfield was delivered, CoC Director Donald Bullshitter departed out of the door without an apparent care in the world. Staff have come up with their own theme tune to celebrate the contribution to 2008 made by the likes of Bullshitter, Our Lord Redmond, Jase, McCogloose, et al.

DONALD BULLSHITTER RETURNS TODAY...

THERE will not be a warm welcome back today (Jan 3rd, 2008) for Donald Bullshitter who returns to the Fun Palace after two weeks holiday in the US of A.

'Acting' CEO Kris Donaldson, has been "out of the office'' since Monday 17 December.

Not bad in the run-up to one of the most important year's in the city's history, eh?

Bullshitter is paid £150,000 a year and has had an annual 10 per cent Performance Related Pay bonus since he was first appointed Marketing Director in 2004.

Which means he is now on more than £200,000 - and can still bugger off on a holiday just days before the Offical Launch of 2008.

He must be worth his weight in bull shit.

Sir Diddy Henshaw famously said of Bullshitter within weeks of his appointment that he 'would not pay him in washers'.

Amazingly Bullshitter has survived for the last four years despite his obvious incompetence - people are taken in by the American accent and think he must know what he is talking about.

Bullshitter will now be ready to tour every TV studio to get his face on our screens in 2008 - he is obsessed with self-publicity. And the simple hacks think his Stateside drawl shows Liverpool has gone all international.

In fact, it is Donaldson who is the mastermind behind the 'Look of the City' project, which the craven Echo publicised so dismally the other day.

This project involves covering up urban decay and council neglect with huge hoardings, so visitors think everything is hunky dory in Liverpool.

Part of this project also involves putting absolutely useless shite and drab hoardings in the windows of the boarded up houses on Edge Lane - well done Elisabeth Pascoe - as well as hanging even worse flags from the lamp posts.

Some of the crap flags have already been blown off, with the rest left tattered and torn by only mild winds.

Quite how much this lacklustre project has cost so far is anyone's guess and will be kept secret by the city council.

Interestingly, marketing staff at the Fun Palace who have been left holding the baby in Bullshitter's absence, have been told they can have all the holidays they want - but only in 2009.

Meanwhile a word of praise for one person - the NWDA's representative on earth in the Culture Company, one Bernice Law.

She has been working around the clock on the Official Launch to try and stop it becoming a total disaster.

By all accounts, she is not a bullshitter and has been trying her best against all the odds.

Clearly her boss NWDA Chairman Bryan Gray will have much to thank her for if she manages to pull it off.

There is another good thing to be said for her.

She has made it crystal clear to Fun Palace inmates that she has seen right through the Great White Hope - Our Saviour, Phil Redmond.

(Incidentally, perhaps we should re-christen him 'Our Lord' - since he is banking on a peerage in the next New Years Honour List, eds)

Bernice apparently finds Redmond an "insufferable, self-obsessed incompetent".

No news there of course.

But re-assuring that she has such good judgement.

'Our Lord' is meanwhile still wafting in and out of the Fun Palace, trying to hijack projects for his greater glory and to give the impression that he is in control.

Watch out for plenty more bollocks from him.

CULTURE DUO VOW TO GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP!

TWO well-known directors of the Culture Company have decided to stay put after weeks of agonising.
We are reliably informed that both Radio Merseyside's Roger Phillips and Brookside creator Phil Redmond have given serious thought to jumping ship from the Culture Company Board before it hits the iceberg.

Both have told friends and colleagues of their growing disenchantment with the Culture Company and all who sail in her.
However, less wise counsels have apparently now prevailed and the pair have been finally persuaded to abandon thoughts of resigning and instead see out the looming disaster.
(After that it will be every man for himself, never mind women and children first, ed)
Readers will recall how both were put on the Culture Board in a forlorn attempt to silence the sceptics and inject some much needed credibility.
However, we can report that both have since been left angry and frustrated at the lack of tangible progress in plans for 2008.
Both have loudly complained inside the Fun Palace at Millennium House about the woeful lack of communication and the failure to capture the public's imagination or involvement.
But they have signally failed to have any impact on the Harbarrowboy steaming ahead with his pitiful plans.

Neither can point to anything which they have achieved in their sojourn on board ship.
Staying put means, of course, that their deafening silence will now be interpreted as support.
But come the day of reckoning they could find there will be no room left for them in the crowded lifeboats.

ROGER DODGES CULTURE'S POISONED CHALICE!

WORD on the streets is that Roger 'voice of the people' Phillips has turned down an offer to become Liverpool's cultural Ambassador.
The BBC Radio Merseyside presenter was offered the poisoned chalice by the Harbarrowboy.
'Jase' had been given the go-ahead by Councillors Bradley and Storey after the hoo-hah following Robbing's departure.
But Phillips sensibly said 'no', astutely realising that he would be on a hiding to nothing if he succumbed to the Culture Company's blandishments. (He means public money, ed)
One BBC colleague said: "He was very flattered to be asked, but decided the role was just not right for him.
"After the departure of Robbing Archer, the Culture Company clearly need someone who can be the front man for Culture and who will be trusted by the public.
"Roger fitted the bill perfectly, is very loyal to Liverpool and has no ego whatsoever, which would have been a nice change from all that has gone before.
"But it would have compromised his own editorial independence and caused Auntie Beeb some real problems too."
Both Bradley and Storey were known to be very keen on the trusted Phillips, whose long-standing connections with the Everyman and Playhouse gave him extra cultural credibility.
Bradley, it is believed, had earlier blocked suggestions from the Harbarrowboy that the Cultural Ambassador should be none other than Phil Redmond, lugubrious millionaire ex-boss of Brookside and 'mastermind' behind the preposterous plan for Liverpool to become Capital of Christmas (and an alleged mate of Sir Diddy's, ed).

(A lengthy editorial aside now follows: if anyone else has any other alliterative ideas for Liverpool to become Capital of anything else, can you please forget them and go back to the drawing board? The last thing we want for the next five years is for Liverpool to become Capital of Karaoke, Capital of Car Jacking, Capital of Cream Crackers or Capital of Cobblers (well we might make an exception with that one). Such ideas may well excite the Echo, but they really belong on the cutting room floor of a third rate public relations agency. Now where were we? ed)

Bradley believed Redmond would only use the position to soften up the ground for his bid to become elected Mayor of Liverpoool, post 2008.
So he wasn't going to let that happen.
Now that Roger Phillips has wisely spurned the Culture Company, it's not clear whether the Harbarrowboy will continue to pursue his hunt for another Cultural Ambassador to 'front' the whole show.
Perhaps we will see a glorious repeat of the disastrous Bet Lynch appointment?
Nominations for Ambassador anyone?