LIVERPOOL'S 800TH BIRTHDAY FIREWORKS - LET'S ALL GO OUT TO DINNER, SHALL WE?

LIVERPOOL'S firework display to celebrate the city's 800th birthday is set to be a damp squib.

Why, we can hear you speculating...?

1) Because firework displays are a tired old cliche, usually trotted out by lame brains with no better ideas?
or
2) Because, (typically, ed) 'Jase' and the Culture Company dickheads didn't consult anyone about their great display until after they had officially announced the plans?
or
3) Because the dolts at the Culture Company forgot that it doesn't get dark until quite late actually, in summer?
or
4) Because the city's little kids will all be safely tucked up in bed and fast asleep when this firework display finally starts? (shurely shome mistake here, ed)
or
5) Because it will be way past the bed time of the city's grannies?
or
6) Because even the city council have called for it to be scrapped?
or
7) Because the display won't be a patch on London's spectacular New Year's Eve celebrations which lit up the Thames?
or
8) Because (typically, ed) the Culture Company have hyped it all up to be the 'biggest in Europe' when it will be lucky to be the biggest in the North West?
or
9) Because having a fireworks display on August 28th is generally a pretty unimpressive way in which to celebrate the historical significance of Liverpool's 8ooth birthday, fails to take account of the practical difficulties, demonstrates a spectacular lack of originality and dearth of ideas but which the Echo will nevertheless, no doubt hail as a major triumph for Liverpool's world renowned cultural offer. (knoworrameanlike, ed)
No, the firework display will be a damp squib for none of these reasons, especially.
(Although all of them are individually and collectively true, obviously, ed)
The main reason that the firework display will be a damp squib will be because the mastermind behind this incredibly unoriginal idea will not even be in Liverpool to witness his handiwork backfire!
That's right.
Colleagues say that former council leader Mike Storey will be away at his usual six-week-long family holiday in France.
(Are you sure he is not going away because he is frightened of all the noise that those bangers will make? He has never been renowned before for his personal courage, has he? ed)
Storey's absence makes his defence of his own idea for the summer fireworks all the more bizarre, some would say hypocritical.
Here it is, from the Echo:

Cllr Mike Storey, who is overseeing the city’s birthday celebrations, is happy with the arrangements. (oh, that's all right then, ed)

He said: “In terms of the light, the event takes place two months after mid-summer so it should not be a problem. (we'll see, ed)

“Firework displays are always difficult in the winter, but in the warmer summer climate we will not need to worry about fireworks blowing over or the event being called off. (is that a promise then? ed)

“We are expecting a massive turnout (where? ed) and plan a wonderful night when people can go out for a meal and then take in the display later in the evening. (you what??????????Are you paying then, Mike?????! And for those of us who can't afford to dine out on August 28th? I know, why don't we all pop around to yours for a barbie and you can treat us to some of those truffles, foie gras and that excellent cabernet you brought back from France last time? Oh, I forgot, you won't be home in time, will you? ed)

“There is no better way to celebrate Liverpool’s birthday than a spectacular event for Liverpudlians, visitors and a huge television audience.” (yes there is - you just couldn't be arsed to come up with something suitable and because the talentless mob you have put in charge of Culture haven't got any original ideas. And just how huge will this vast television late-night audience be then? Just those anoraks like me who watch the late night North West headlines on the Beeb? ed)

We shall leave the final word to Councillor Tina Gould, who, surprisingly, spoke sound common sense when her committee called for the whole idea to be scrapped.

“We felt fireworks have been done to death and something with a lasting legacy could be arranged with the same money. It is billed as being the biggest display in Europe, but having seen the New Year event in London, I do not think it will be."