DONALD BULLSHITTER GOES ON HOLIDAY AS MACCA ISSUES £1.9MILLION ULTIMATUM OVER ANFIELD GIG

Guess what the Culture Company theme song is?

It's here:



Gallows humour has gripped the Fun Palace as staff watch the £150,000-a-year-plus executives flap around like headless chickens. With one exception - as the Macca ultimatum over Anfield was delivered, CoC Director Donald Bullshitter departed out of the door without an apparent care in the world. Staff have come up with their own theme tune to celebrate the contribution to 2008 made by the likes of Bullshitter, Our Lord Redmond, Jase, McCogloose, et al.

DONALD BULLSHITTER RETURNS TODAY...

THERE will not be a warm welcome back today (Jan 3rd, 2008) for Donald Bullshitter who returns to the Fun Palace after two weeks holiday in the US of A.

'Acting' CEO Kris Donaldson, has been "out of the office'' since Monday 17 December.

Not bad in the run-up to one of the most important year's in the city's history, eh?

Bullshitter is paid £150,000 a year and has had an annual 10 per cent Performance Related Pay bonus since he was first appointed Marketing Director in 2004.

Which means he is now on more than £200,000 - and can still bugger off on a holiday just days before the Offical Launch of 2008.

He must be worth his weight in bull shit.

Sir Diddy Henshaw famously said of Bullshitter within weeks of his appointment that he 'would not pay him in washers'.

Amazingly Bullshitter has survived for the last four years despite his obvious incompetence - people are taken in by the American accent and think he must know what he is talking about.

Bullshitter will now be ready to tour every TV studio to get his face on our screens in 2008 - he is obsessed with self-publicity. And the simple hacks think his Stateside drawl shows Liverpool has gone all international.

In fact, it is Donaldson who is the mastermind behind the 'Look of the City' project, which the craven Echo publicised so dismally the other day.

This project involves covering up urban decay and council neglect with huge hoardings, so visitors think everything is hunky dory in Liverpool.

Part of this project also involves putting absolutely useless shite and drab hoardings in the windows of the boarded up houses on Edge Lane - well done Elisabeth Pascoe - as well as hanging even worse flags from the lamp posts.

Some of the crap flags have already been blown off, with the rest left tattered and torn by only mild winds.

Quite how much this lacklustre project has cost so far is anyone's guess and will be kept secret by the city council.

Interestingly, marketing staff at the Fun Palace who have been left holding the baby in Bullshitter's absence, have been told they can have all the holidays they want - but only in 2009.

Meanwhile a word of praise for one person - the NWDA's representative on earth in the Culture Company, one Bernice Law.

She has been working around the clock on the Official Launch to try and stop it becoming a total disaster.

By all accounts, she is not a bullshitter and has been trying her best against all the odds.

Clearly her boss NWDA Chairman Bryan Gray will have much to thank her for if she manages to pull it off.

There is another good thing to be said for her.

She has made it crystal clear to Fun Palace inmates that she has seen right through the Great White Hope - Our Saviour, Phil Redmond.

(Incidentally, perhaps we should re-christen him 'Our Lord' - since he is banking on a peerage in the next New Years Honour List, eds)

Bernice apparently finds Redmond an "insufferable, self-obsessed incompetent".

No news there of course.

But re-assuring that she has such good judgement.

'Our Lord' is meanwhile still wafting in and out of the Fun Palace, trying to hijack projects for his greater glory and to give the impression that he is in control.

Watch out for plenty more bollocks from him.

SHOCK EXCLUSIVE: THE BARROWBOY, JASON ORANGE, TRUNDLES BACK TO THE HACIENDA

THE Harbarrowboy has returned to his hammock in the hacienda for the festive season - after his brief 'keeping up appearances' return to the Fun Palace.

Jase's invisible man act has, remarkably, failed to stir even a second of interest from his former staff in the Culture Company.

He has not been seen since he popped in for half an hour to show his incredibly orange face.

Staff are all too busy trying to get the show on the road to be arsed about their former £150,000-a-year chief executive returning to Spain for another jolly.

No one cares what happens to him - if anything few appear to have even noticed his absence. (It's hardly as if the Culture Company has suddenly lurched from crisis to crisis since he disappeared post the Mathew Street debacle, is it? eds)

Typists in the Municipal Building who threatened to strike have now been re-assured by Cover Up that Jason Orange will too busy topping up his tan in the future to bother them.

(We've made this last bit up and included it anyway, cos it made us laugh out loud, eds)

So what is likely to happen now?

We have opened a special book on it:

1) Jase could return to a hero's welcome for the opening ceremony on January 11/12th.

(Unthinkable, eds)

2) Jase could turn russet brown.

(Highly likely, eds)

3) Jase could become a Continental cultural consultant and go around Europe conning Eastern Europe into taking him seriously.

(Possible, eds)

4) Jase could bring a barrow to Wimbledon next year, selling strawberries to go with his Spanish ice cream.

(Too obvious, eds)

5) Jase could stay on the sick for the entire duration of 2008 and pocket £150,000 a year, plus Performance Related Pay, for doing precisely fuck all.

(This would be no different from previous years, so we are ruling it out completely, eds)

6) Jase could sue the council for constructive dismissal and with his massive compensation award, buy a holiday home for the foolish Fireman in the Canaries as a gesture of gratitude.

(Even money on this, eds)

7) Jase could retire with a minimum two years salary (more than £300,000, plus Performace Related Pay, tax-free, eds) as the city council give him a bumper pay-off just to see the back of him while the foolish Fireman begs the local media to: "Move On/Forget About My Disastrous Blunders".

(Hot favourite, eds)

8) Jase sets up a consultancy with Sir Diddy, Robbing Archer, Chris Green and Kevin Johnston who have all taken huge pay-offs from the council, and laugh all the way to the bank at how they have ripped off the council tax payers of Liverpool for more than £1million.

(A dead cert, eds)

THE ICE CREAM MAN COMETH AND GOETH...AND HAS SOME FILING TO GET ON WITH....

What are we to make of the Harbarrowboy's continuing absence from the Fun Palace?

Since he popped in at 1pm last Tuesday for a few hours, he appears to have gone to ground again.

The £150,000 a year (plus PRP) chief executive has not been seen since.

So where can he be?

(In his hammock in the hacienda again? eds)

Culture Company staff have been left scratching their heads at the semi-invisible man's re-appearance and then dis-appearance again.

Is Jase now spending all his time around at the Fireman's gaffe, chatting to the parakeet?

Perhaps.

But maybe a comment from Bryan Gray, Chair of the North West Development Agency sheds more light on the Harbarrowboy's whereabouts.

Gray, who has virtually taken over responsibility for the Culture Company, has said of Jase:

"He's the city council's problem now - not ours anymore. We have no further use for him."
So, putting the ball back firmly in the court of the council, for whom Jase is Executive Director for Culture, is a rather neat trick to off-load any responsibility for the Barrowboy.

It also accounts for Jases's on-off absence from the Fun Palace.

Rumour has it that Cover Up has found him a place in the typing pool on the top floor of the Municipal Buildings and is next week supposed to be sorting him out with some typing and photocopying to keep him busy.

(Which probably means the city council is going to start sending out poll tax letters to dead people again, eds)

THE RETURN OF THE HARROWBOY: STILL NO SIGN OF JASE...

UPDATE: 12.20

Still no sign of the Harbarrowboy anywhere in the Fun Palace. The expectant air has now gone, the nervous giggling has ceased (that was Donald Bullshitter, eds), the sense of expectancy in thr typing pool all but vanished. Even Clare McCogloose has stopped blathering on about 'it will all be fine when Jase comes back."

Perhaps he is now negotiating with Brian Gray, from the NWDA, instead? Or talking to his solicitor? There must be a solution to this.....?????????

THE RETURN OF THE HARBARROWBOY: JASE STILL NOT SPOTTED IN FUN PALACE, SHOCK

10.15 am.........

HARBARROWBOY LATEST: Jase has still not been spotted behind his desk in the Fun Palace. Perhaps he is still talking to CoverUp?

MATHEW ST SENSATION: COVERUP COMES CLEAN - BRADLEY LIED THREE TIMES (AND THEN THE COCK CROWED)

WHAT a turn-up that was folks!

Colin CoverUp has come clean in this morning's Daily Post - and dumped the fibbing Fireman in a huge pile of shit.

CoverUp has revealed that, in fact, Fireman Bradley never told him about his secret meeting with Mathew St scapegoat Lee Forde.

This was what the Fireman first told the papers on Saturday:

"He (Bradley) said he raised the issues with the council chief executive, Colin Hilton, and senior Culture Company staff in the “first couple of days after the meeting”.

But this was what Hilton wrote to Joe Anderson today:

"I can confirm that I was totally unaware that Lee Forde had met with Cllr Bradley and Cllr Storey, let alone any of the information contained in the account of that meeting set out in the dossier."

So that was the THIRD lie told by Bradley, who has now demonstrated that he is totally unfit to govern.

At which point the cock crowed...

The SECOND lie was when Bradley claimed Lee Forde had first texted him to instigate the secret Wavertree-gate meeting.

But Forde's mobile phone bill reveals that he texted Bradley an hour after the Fireman had first sent him a flurry of emails asking for a meeting.

The FIRST lie was when the fibbing Fireman first denied even having a meeting! That was just so contemptible a lie that we won't even bother proving it. (Read the earlier posts instead, eds)

So where are we now? (Waiting for the Fireman to walk the plank? eds)

Yes.

Clearly CoverUp has now had enough of the Fireman and has completely washed his hands of him.

His letter was an astonishing example of a chief executive putting the boot in and then very publicly distancing himself from the Leader.

That was the bureaucratic coup de grace - now we must wait patiently for the political knives to be buried in Bradley's back.

CoverUp realised that if he did not properly handle the Lib Dem Leader's role in this disgraceful plot, he would himself become embroiled in the conspiracy.

So after letting off the hook his former colleagues in the evil cabal - to Hilton's eternal shame - he has finally decided to come clean.

(Although, he's still not to be trusted, eds)

There is also no doubt that Hasitall and the Rottweiller are loving all this. So be it.

The only hope we have that those scum will ever be properly dealt with, is if there is a complete change in Town Hall administration.

The Lib Dems have proved they are unfit to govern. It's time for a change.

PS The Harbarrowboy is due back in the Fun Palace tomorrow morning 123 days after the Fireman demanded his head - Jase may actually turn up, bold as the brass medallion around his neck, with no hint of a blush under his perma-tan.

Sadly, Jase will have missed the chance to make a fast buck at tonight's Royal Variety Show, where he could have tried to sell some of his Spanish ice creams to 'Gentleman Joe' Anderson and the Fireman, who were, amazingly, due to spend the evening sitting side by side.

Will keep you posted on Jase's progress tomorrow (he won't last long, eds) and the polite chatter that no doubt passed between Bradley and Joe.

HM The Queen (to Bradley)......"And what do you do, young man?"

Bradley (to HM)...."Lie through my fucking teeth, your Maj"

'ALL TOGETHER NOW' WITH THE FARM....UNLESS YOU ARE FIREMAN BRADLEY!

FIREMAN BRADLEY has ordered that Liverpool popsters, The Farm should be banned from Capital of Culture - because they have publicly supported scape-goated Lee Forde.
The band's nineties anthem "All Together Now" has been used as the soundtrack for yet another ruinously expensive new Culture Company video for 2008.

Unfortunately Donald Bullshitter had forgotten to obtain the band's authorisation to use their toe-tapping number - but such incompetence is only a minor detail in the madcap world of the Fun Palace,

However, when a proud and excited Bullshitter unveiled his latest magnum opus (ooooerrrmissus, eds) to a morose Fireman, he was taken aback by the reaction.

The Furious Fireman went spare when he heard the Farm's ditty on the vid and immediately insisted that they be removed from the soundtrack (who does this jumped-up fuckwit think he is - Adolph Hitler? eds).

And he went even further.

Bradley has also now demanded that The Farm are removed from the all-star line-up (shurely shome mistake? eds) for the 2008 Opening Ceremony.

Their crime?(Being socialists? eds)

No.

The Farm had unequivocally and very publicly defended Lee Forde's reputation both in the Echo, on Radio Murkeyside and on blogs and cheeky little webbie things like this, all over the place.

The jumped-up Fireman had taken Umbrage (after taking Czechoslovakia presumably, eds) at their stout, loyal and accurate defence of Lee. Bradley vowed that the popular beat combo should not be in anyway involved in Capital of Culture one iota, no sirreee.

(As if they were bothered, eds)

That's not the point! Who gave Bradley authority to start banning people just because they are not cowardly, lying bastards like him?

Bradley's megalomaniac tendencies appear to be increasing as his support and self-control rapidly diminishes.

We would now encourage The Farm to go public on this scandalous censorship and tell all to anyone who has the good sense to spot a good story when they see one (not the Echo then? eds).
HISTORICAL NOTE: Fans of the first Tony Parrish will recall that his personal profile on the Liverpool-evil-cabal blog contained five rousing and defiant pop songs as his favourites. Amongst them was...., you guessed it, The Farm's "All Together Now".

SPOOKY CO-INCIDENCE: "All Together Now" was taken from The Farm's album, which of course was named (eerie roll of drums, eds)....'Spartacus'. A photo of the immortal Kirk Douglas as the rebel slave Spartacus was of course, the image chosen by the first Tony Parrish to adorn his now legendary 'Liverpool evil cabal' blog. (Them were the days, eds)

STRANGE BUT TRUE: The Leader of Liverpool city council is (supposedly,) a keen Evertonian, whose 1995 FA Cup side used 'Altogether Now' for their theme tune as Paul Rideout popped one under the bar against ManU (we wuz there, remember Ged? eds).

EDITOR'S NOTE: Fireman Bradley is a juvenile toss-pot, who should grow up and who is unfit to lead the city of Liverpool. He deserves everything that is now coming to him.

All Together Now?

JASE: 'I shall return" or "I haven't done a deal yet, so anything could still happen, manana."

DISAPPOINTING news about Jase today - he won't be returning to the Fun Palace for another TWO WEEKS!

The Harbarrowboy had been due to turn up bright and early at Millennium House today to evict Donald Bullshitter from his office.

Donald had moved into the office as "acting" chief executive, while poor Jase was licking ice creams for his heart condition back at the hacienda.

Some Culture Company staff even turned up for work earlier than normal this morning in a bid to witness the eviction of the Bullshitter.

But all to no avail.

Poor Jase couldn't manage to summon up the strength to leave his hammock and return to Liverpool.

Instead he reported to Colin CoverUp that he didn't feel quite up to it - but thought he might be a bit better in a fortnight.

However, he apparently made it clear that when he came back, he would need to "ease himself" into the full swing of things in the run-up to 2008.

So don't expect Jase to be immediately running around like a blue-arsed fly sorting everything out.

(Some hope of that, eds.)

Some terrible cynics might think that Jase is delaying his return to allow the fall-out from Mathew Street to clear.

Then he can be greeted like a returning hero. (No chance of that, eds.)

But as we all know - thanks to the excellent official city council report - Jase has nothing to fear from Mathew Street.

He did nothing wrong at all. Nothing went wrong while he was in charge. It was all that fella Lee Forde's fault in the first place.

Any suggestion otherwise would be a disgraceful calumny on all the excellent work that Jase has put in, for so little reward and absolutely no thanks at all from you ungrateful bastards.

Does anyone seriously expect poor Jase, as the £150,000-a-year (plus Performance Related Pay, eds) chief executive of the Culture Company, to take any interest at all in something called the Mathew Street Festival?

Don't be silly, Jase has far better things to do - breakfasts and lunches to go to; drinks to partake of; wealthy nobs to hob with; cock-ups to mastermind.

Jase is too busy making 2008 the most fantastic spectacle Liverpool has ever seen.

(Too fucking right, it's going to be an amazing spectacle, eds)

So, sadly, we will have to wait until December 3rd to see Jase again.

And we sincerely hope he will be given a welcome fit for such a returning hero.

IT'S OFFICIAL; THE HARBARROWBOY IS NEVER COMING BACK...

THE Culture Company's Harbarrowboy will definitely not be returning from Spain to his executive office in the Fun Palace, we can officially announce.


Why so certain?


Simple.


In the manner of all loyal lieutenants, the Harbarrowboy's No 2, Donald Bullshitter (aka Kris Donaldson) has now moved into his missing boss's office!


Donald has even emptied Jase's drawers (oooerr missus, eds) and replaced them with his own bits and bobs. (There's an in-joke lurking suspiciously here, but we can't quite put our fingers on it. To coin a phrase, eds)


Anyroadup, Donald Bullshitter moved into Jase's hole within days of the Harbarrowboy telling the Daily Post: "I shall return."


Clearly his former loyal deputy has other ideas.


Poor old Jase's Personal Assistant has also taken a powder at this despicable turn of events and gone on the sick.


Leaving the Bullshitter to immediately install his own PA in her place!


With friends like this, who needs enemies, Jase?


Meanwhile the Daily Post is planning an exclusive story saying that -

• as well as selling all his property interests on Merseyside (first revealed here, eds)


• gaining dual Spanish nationality (first revealed here, eds)


• his wife and family moving to Spain months ago (first revealed here, eds)


• Jase buying an ice cream factory (first revealed here, eds )


• and Jase suffering from a heart condition (first revealed here, eds) -
  

Jase has ALREADY BEEN PAID OFF with a cheque for £300,000 from the Fireman and CoverUp on behalf of the grateful citizens of Liverpool.

Any suggestion that the dynamic duo are also planning a plaque on Mathew Street in Jase's memory is without any semblance of substance.

But they are definitely planning a whip around for some form of commemorative sculpture next to Eleanor Rigby which will mark Jase's exile in the hacienda - "all the lonely people, where do they all belong....?"

THE COMEBACK KID - DUE BACK ON WEDNESDAY.

THE Harbarrowboy is due to return to the Fun Palace this Wednesday.

That's according to his ceremonial stand-in, Donald Bullshitter, who has been going around "reassuring" everyone that good old Jase will be 'back soon'.

That's not the word amongst councillors or the ruling Lib Dem Exec Board who have been told that Jase will never darken their door again.

What worries us is, (if Jase does by some miracle return), where is he going to lay his sun-tanned torso?

Now that he has sold his detached house on the Wirral, will he move temporarily into one of the other two houses on Merseyside which he has has put up for sale?

Will he be looking for a B&B in Anfield?

Or will he be bedding down for the night in his office at the Fun Palace?

That can't be good for his health with a heart condition.

If you would like to offer Jase a bed for the night, give him a ring at his office on Wednesday morning. Tel: 0151 233 4447

Then you can also make sure he has turned up for work on time.

Of course, if Jase isn't able to answer the phone, you might conclude that Donald Bullshitter has been bullshitting again.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR JASE, AFTER CREAMING IT FROM LIVERPOOL'S CAPITAL OF CULTURE?

THIS is going to be hard to swallow...

But we can exclusively reveal that the Harbarrowboy is buying a Spanish ice cream factory while on his sickie!

Seems Jase has finally decided he has taken enough of a licking at the Culture Company.

So the Harbarrowboy has instead opted to (banana) split from Liverpool.

He didn't want to be gradually frozen out by the fireman Bradley (surely not? eds).

According to usually reliable sources (shouldn't that be sauces? eds), Jase has slowly begun to melt away from Merseyside.

(That's enough! eds)

He has already sold one of his homes - a large detached, according to the Daily Post - on the Wirral.

But the Harbarrowboy has two other properties on Merseyside which he intends to sell to the highest bidder.

Meanwhile Jase has been slowly recuperating from his obviously extremely serious and grave heart condition while at his sprawling hacienda on the Costa del Crime.

He has been relaxing (see our exclusive photo, right, eds) by regularly logging on to the Liverpool subCulture web site to catch up on Culture in the city.

But he has also found some time to extend his already bulging property portfolio in readiness for when his departure from the Culture Comedians is officially announced.

Jase has identified a local ice cream manufacturer as a sound business proposition.

(He's the next Alan Sugar, this fella Harbottle - after all, there's blazing hot sun all the year round, so the locals are bound to want two or three icies every day. Result - he's a multi-millionaire in no time at all! Brilliant! eds)

In order to buy the factory, Jase has had to scrimp and save to stump up enough cash from his lifetime of struggling at the coal face at the Culture Company's Millennium House Fun Palace (that's enough sick jokes, eds)

Any suggestion that the poor Harbarrowboy has been creaming off council tax payers money would be totally wrong. That possibility is wafer-thin.

As is the disgraceful claim that he has gotten fat on all that Liverpool lolly and is now splashing out in the Spanish sunshine.

Or that Jase has been sprinkling hundreds and thousands on to his new bizarre new enterprise.

(Right, that's it! eds)

All together now, "Just one cornetto..."

'WOUNDED BADLY' HAS FUN AT THE FUN PALACE....

Warren Bradley came into Millennnium House on Wednesday morning to try and rally the Culture Company troops after Joe Anderson's resignation.
It was a disaster.
First he started off by telling us not to take any notice of all the nonsense in the papers and that everything was great and 2008 was going to be fantastic. Does he think we are all stupid? We know it's not great - thats why we are so fed up with it all.
People just listened in silence as he told us how everything would be fine and we were all doing a fantastic job.
Patronising bastard.
Then after his little rallying the troops act, he had the cheek to say 'right everyone, let's all get back to work now.'
It was his little joke.
You could have heard a pin drop. We were gobsmacked. There were a few coughs and splutters and the sound of papers being shuffled and then everyone just turned away from him and started talking amongst themselves.
If he had carried on, he would probably have started a punch-up.
You are also right about Lee - he will be missed, altho he is staying until the end of August to see Mathew St through apparently.
And have you heard about that walking disaster Jane Casey? - she is now working with us in the Culture Company.
Don't know how much they are paying her to keep her mouth shut - it seems as if you can create enough fuss the Culture Co will try to buy your silence - but i would now willingly mortgage my house to stop her inane and irritating chatter all over the floor. She is barking mad.

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