Are you sitting comfortably? It's the final chapter for the Storeyteller....

FASCINATING goings-on amongst the Lib Dims as the Fireman clings to power.

The Dancing Queen, Flo Clucas has been promoted to Deputy Lib Dim Leader as Bradley tries to shore-up his position in his last few weeks as Leader.

However, the price that Clucas demanded for coming to Bradley's aid was....the Storeyteller's head on a plate!

She refused to join the Fireman's Cabinet if Storey was kept on as Executive Member for Regeneration and Constant Self-Promotion.

So Bradley instantly sidelined his old mate - sugaring the bitter pill by giving him the job of being Mayor next year and with a few extra bob in his pocket (£6,000 to be precise, eds) for taking up the non-role of an Assistant Executive Member.

The Dancing Queen will show some nifty footwork if Bradley is disqualified from office and will, no doubt terribly reluctantly, quietly assume the mantle of Leaderene as the Lib Dims regroup and lick their wounds before being kicked out by the electorate in 2010.

However, at least Storey will now be able to fulfil his lifetime's ambition - dressing up in a funny costume every day and getting his picture taken.

That's if he first survives the Standards Board's blisteringly-speedy investigation which is expected to report sometime before the next Millennium (once they have counted all their pencils, made a brew and had a lie-down because of all the stress, eds).

But for the lame Storey the back benches now beckon - that's how a political career ends after 30-plus years, not with a bang, but a wimp.

What has also gone unremarked by the craven Echo is the astonishing dismissal of the Lib Dem parliamentary candidate for Wavertree, Colin Eldridge.

Bradley sacked him from the Cabinet and every other position he held after the two fell out spectacularly over the Mathew Street report.

Deep in his Municipal Buildings bunker, the Fireman also became increasingly paranoid that the lanky Eldridge - dubbed The Lurch by Sexy Rexy - was secretly plotting a come-back for Storey as Leader.So he had to go too.

The Eldridge dismissal is now likely to provoke all kinds of internal party trouble for the Fireman amongst the Lib Dims nationally, who will vainly try to spin it as 'Colin wanted to spend more time with his constituency.'

Of course, it is a huge slap in the face for Eldridge who was being wildly (correct spelling, eds) touted as the Lib Dim's best hope in Liverpool at the next General Election.

No doubt scores will be settled in the future.

Meanwhile the Fireman has carried on where he left off before Nadia Stewart threw him a lifeline - demonstrating his woeful lack of integrity, intelligence or judgement by giving the accused fireman Steve Hurst the job of Executive Member for Corporate Performance.

Hurst is in court in July accused of breaking election law.

What a performance!

JOE RILEY AND THE APRIL FOOL'S DAY BRIDGE OF SIGHS...

THE craven Echo's self-styled controversial columnist Joe Riley has been getting into more hot water.

You will recall that Riley survived, (thanks to the blog going public with it, eds) demands from 'Randy' Paul Newman to be sacked for dozing off during Jimmy McGovern's boring play.

But now Riley, affectionately known as Mr Bumble by scribes at Trinity Mirror, has put his foot in it again.

The craven Echo, which is world famous for its ready wit and erudition as well as its campaigning and investigative journalism, decided to play a little April Fools Day prank on its loyal readers.

So those wacky full-of-fun madcap lads and lasses from the management team huddled together in a corner and came up with a brilliant and oh-so-humorous wheeze.

"I know," they said, "why don't we make up a story about a new bridge across the Mersey to the Isle of Man? That will have them all in stitches in Anfield."

So after the pranksters fought each other for the honour of making this proposal to EDITOR, Ali Mackray, the go-ahead was given.

The story duly appeared on April 1st.

Millions of readers guffawed their heads off and some were actually taken to Fazakerley because their sides had split open so much.

Oh how we laughed, especially since the story was identical to the 14,356 other Echo stories which have appeared throughout the last ten years, giving free publicity to any insane, no-hope-in-hell-chance-of-it-ever-happening scheme dreamed up by some property developer/speculator/cowboy on the back of a fag packet after two many G&Ts.

But there was one exception to the universal, almost hysterical, amusement caused by the article.

Step forward Mr Bumble.

Our Joe had not been included in the April 1st loop by those wise-cracking, playful Echo executives.

And he took serious umbrage at the madcap plan.

So much so, that he penned one of his distinctive semi-hysterical rants about the scheme for the next's day's Echo.

It was only an eagle-eyed sub-editor who was designing Riley's column, (shurely some mistake? eds) who spotted that Joe had been taken in by the wheeze.

And that the penny had never dropped with him - despite the laughter which had coursed through the Old Hall Street sanatorium like a raging torrent whenever the EDITOR was around.

Some lackey was then deputed to gently break the news to the bumbling Mr Bumble that the bridge story was a spoof.

Mr Bumble's florid chops were, apparently, even redder than usual, when he found out.

Meanwhile, come the revolution, we plan to take out the eagle eyed-sub editor and have him shot at dawn.

If only he had stayed schtum!

DONALD BULLSHITTER RETURNS TODAY...

THERE will not be a warm welcome back today (Jan 3rd, 2008) for Donald Bullshitter who returns to the Fun Palace after two weeks holiday in the US of A.

'Acting' CEO Kris Donaldson, has been "out of the office'' since Monday 17 December.

Not bad in the run-up to one of the most important year's in the city's history, eh?

Bullshitter is paid £150,000 a year and has had an annual 10 per cent Performance Related Pay bonus since he was first appointed Marketing Director in 2004.

Which means he is now on more than £200,000 - and can still bugger off on a holiday just days before the Offical Launch of 2008.

He must be worth his weight in bull shit.

Sir Diddy Henshaw famously said of Bullshitter within weeks of his appointment that he 'would not pay him in washers'.

Amazingly Bullshitter has survived for the last four years despite his obvious incompetence - people are taken in by the American accent and think he must know what he is talking about.

Bullshitter will now be ready to tour every TV studio to get his face on our screens in 2008 - he is obsessed with self-publicity. And the simple hacks think his Stateside drawl shows Liverpool has gone all international.

In fact, it is Donaldson who is the mastermind behind the 'Look of the City' project, which the craven Echo publicised so dismally the other day.

This project involves covering up urban decay and council neglect with huge hoardings, so visitors think everything is hunky dory in Liverpool.

Part of this project also involves putting absolutely useless shite and drab hoardings in the windows of the boarded up houses on Edge Lane - well done Elisabeth Pascoe - as well as hanging even worse flags from the lamp posts.

Some of the crap flags have already been blown off, with the rest left tattered and torn by only mild winds.

Quite how much this lacklustre project has cost so far is anyone's guess and will be kept secret by the city council.

Interestingly, marketing staff at the Fun Palace who have been left holding the baby in Bullshitter's absence, have been told they can have all the holidays they want - but only in 2009.

Meanwhile a word of praise for one person - the NWDA's representative on earth in the Culture Company, one Bernice Law.

She has been working around the clock on the Official Launch to try and stop it becoming a total disaster.

By all accounts, she is not a bullshitter and has been trying her best against all the odds.

Clearly her boss NWDA Chairman Bryan Gray will have much to thank her for if she manages to pull it off.

There is another good thing to be said for her.

She has made it crystal clear to Fun Palace inmates that she has seen right through the Great White Hope - Our Saviour, Phil Redmond.

(Incidentally, perhaps we should re-christen him 'Our Lord' - since he is banking on a peerage in the next New Years Honour List, eds)

Bernice apparently finds Redmond an "insufferable, self-obsessed incompetent".

No news there of course.

But re-assuring that she has such good judgement.

'Our Lord' is meanwhile still wafting in and out of the Fun Palace, trying to hijack projects for his greater glory and to give the impression that he is in control.

Watch out for plenty more bollocks from him.

OPENING CEREMONY 'ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN', BUT NO ONE TO BLAME SHOCK

Is the opening ceremony an accident waiting to happen?

That is the question facing safety experts as the wheels start to fall off the Harbarrowboy's launch vehicle.

There is now a mood of barely concealed panic in the Fun Palace as the realisation dawns that the Culture Company is just not equipped to stage such a major outdoor event.

Having lost Lee Forde through incompetence, staff are now being stretched to the limit by the huge number of extra events being planned for 2008.

Added to that is the mind-boggling ineptitude of some of the plans - for example, the launch event is due to feature acrobats abseiling and throwing themselves off the roof of St George's Hall while Ringo waves to the breathless millions (shouldn't that be minions? eds)below.

The Echo has of course conspired in this utter lunacy by making a public appeal for acrobatic volunteers - local nutters who fancy a bit of sky-diving and 15 seconds of fame (the amount of time it takes to fall from the roof to the pavement below and then expire on the ground after waving weakly to the CBS camera crews, eds).

Do you think if some poor imbecile gets hurt in this insanity, that the Echo will splash the next day on "'We are to blame' - admits shame-faced Editor"?

Will they bollocks.

They will wash their hands of responsibility like any other person who holds power in Liverpool.

But they have been thoroughly irresponsible dupes of the crackpots in charge of the Culture Company who think any Tom, Dick or Harry can happily abseil down the front of St George's hall without any proper training.

This is not Health and Safety political correctness gone mad.

This is about properly established procedures to keep people safe.

And God knows. in the city that suffered Heysel and Hillsborough. you would have thought some lessons had been learned about public safety.

Wouldn't you?

But no.

Aside from these very obvious safety concerns, there are major issues around public liability insurance, policing, crowd control - how many people are going to turn up expecting to get a personal audience with Ringo? - and damage and disruption caused to St George's and other historic buildings which will also have rooftop displays.

The astronomical cost is escalating by the minute - no official figures of course - and people are, literally, running around the Fun Palace like headless chickens trying to make it all stack up.

The NWDA's representative on earth, Bernice Law has now taken to calling 7.30 am emergency meetings to try and get a grip on things and turn it around.

But the clock is ticking and the pressure is mounting.

Particularly when the Culture Company proudly boast that CBS will be turning up to see Ringo live. (Or should that be live? eds)

Hopefully he won't have to step over any prone bodies on his way to the interview van.

Expect to see whole parts of the opening ceremony suddenly junked for no apparent reason and without explanation.

Meanwhile the architects behind this accident waiting to happen - Donald Bullshitter and Clare McCogloose amongst others - will evade all responsibility.

Just like the fine example set by Fireman Bradley.

After all, they have only had the last four years to plan this event. It has hardly come as a sudden shock, has it?

Some poor bugger in the events team will probably get all the blame, instead. As is the Liverpool Way.

But we issue this warning now.

If one single person - either a participant or spectator - is seriously injured during this opening ceremony or any other CoC event, we will make sure that, this time, the finger is pointed at very firmly at those responsible.

And we will not let you bastards get away with it.

We just hope we are proved wrong.

NEW ARENA SENSATION: NOT A PENNY FOR LIVERPOOL, FROM THE ECHO

THE Echo's mysterious sponsorship deal with the new Arena came as a complete surprise to the city council's ruling Executive Board, apparently.

Councillors knew nothing about the five-year deal - until they read about it in the Echo.

And no-one is now being allowed to ask questions about how much this "historic" deal is worth to the people of Liverpool.

That's despite the fact that the entire Arena has been built with £145million worth of public money!

Councillors are being fobbed off with platitudes if they ask exactly how much the Liverpool Echo is paying for the privilege of having its name on the Arena.

The subject of how much it is worth has been carefully avoided in all the publicity. (For the obvious reasons, ed)

The Echo's contribution is 'in kind' says the law-breaker Hasitall, who has been the architect of much of the deal.

What this means is that the Arena will get loads of free advertising in the paper, whose circulation is rapidly declining and which has little audience or influence beyond the city's boundaries.

This will hardly be conducive to attracting full houses for every single gig. So we can presumably, in the future, look forward to free tickets being distributed to the city council, Echo employees, etc, to get more bums on seats.

There is also an informal understanding that the deal will mean there will be no untoward critiscism of the Arena appearing in the pages of the paper (a la Capital of Culture, then, ed)

Fireman Bradley hopes that getting the Echo even further on board will mean they become even more slavishly uncritical.

It's called buying influence...(with public money, too, ed)

But there will be no actual money in the bank for the city council, which has contributed £12million and will own and run the Arena.

The council of course is currently £29million in the red and talking about years of hefty council tax rises to pay for 2008.

The deal also depressingly underlines the small town ambitions of those who were in the know about the deal - Hasitall, fireman Bradley and Storey.

They decided to copy neighbouring Manchester's example of course, where their 'twice the size' Arena has a longstanding and very successful deal with the Manchester Evening News.

"Oh, I know, we can do a sponsorship deal with the Echo, like Manchester," said Storey, with an impressive outburst of originality and creativity.

However the M.E.N has, of course, parted with millions of pounds to get its name and brand all over the Manchester Arena.

But not a penny for Liverpool from the Echo, which of course, is owned by the hugely profitable Trinity Mirror.

In other words, we were sold short again...

WHY THE MEDIA SILENCE ON HURST BEING QUESTIONED OVER ELECTION DIRTY TRICKS?

terri said...
Do you know Tone, I am astonished that this post has not caused much more comment. Are we all getting used to the evil cabalists getting away with their crimes and misdemeanours? I am told that the reason the story has not appeared in the Echo or Post is because they have decided not to run anything unless/until Hurst is charged. This seems to me to show a sudden, but welcome outbreak of fairness amongst local journalists. They haven't afforded that privilege of refusing to print stories about other people being questioned under caution, have they? So why now - for Hurst? Or shall we form our own conclusions?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007 12:00:00 AM

VICTORY FOR THE BLOG: City Council forced to stop Careline answering calls about turkeys

Liverpool city council has been forced to stop its Careline staff from answering calls about Bernard Matthew's infected turkeys.

The move followed the huge flap caused at the Municipal Buildings following our last 'Its not bootiful' post.

The council has now told the rottweiller McElhinney that specially trained social services staff should not be used to answer calls on behalf of DEFRA.

Instead, they should continue to answer calls about children at risk and the most vulnerable people.

The council are now able to truthfully deny that Careline staff are working for DEFRA.

But they WERE answering such calls - until we made it public.

Our post resulted in a flurry of activity at the MO, with leading councillors asking serious questions and worse, demanding truthful answers (!) and even the Echo motivated to make a few tentative enquiries.

But the Echo were easily fobbed off with some careful phrasing and the bureaucrats are now drawing up an unitelligible report to confuse and therefore quieten down any unruly councillors.

Meanwhile McElhinney, chief exec of Liverpool Direct Limited at MisadVenture Place, has escaped as usual with just a verbal ticking off from 'Cover Up'.

The much heralded fight with Peter Cosgrove never materialised (predictably, ed).

However, the LDL contract with DEFRA over the turkey flu outbreak in Suffolk continues (isn't that worth an Echo story then? ed) with council staff, seconded to LDL, continuing to handle calls.

ROGER DODGES CULTURE'S POISONED CHALICE!

WORD on the streets is that Roger 'voice of the people' Phillips has turned down an offer to become Liverpool's cultural Ambassador.
The BBC Radio Merseyside presenter was offered the poisoned chalice by the Harbarrowboy.
'Jase' had been given the go-ahead by Councillors Bradley and Storey after the hoo-hah following Robbing's departure.
But Phillips sensibly said 'no', astutely realising that he would be on a hiding to nothing if he succumbed to the Culture Company's blandishments. (He means public money, ed)
One BBC colleague said: "He was very flattered to be asked, but decided the role was just not right for him.
"After the departure of Robbing Archer, the Culture Company clearly need someone who can be the front man for Culture and who will be trusted by the public.
"Roger fitted the bill perfectly, is very loyal to Liverpool and has no ego whatsoever, which would have been a nice change from all that has gone before.
"But it would have compromised his own editorial independence and caused Auntie Beeb some real problems too."
Both Bradley and Storey were known to be very keen on the trusted Phillips, whose long-standing connections with the Everyman and Playhouse gave him extra cultural credibility.
Bradley, it is believed, had earlier blocked suggestions from the Harbarrowboy that the Cultural Ambassador should be none other than Phil Redmond, lugubrious millionaire ex-boss of Brookside and 'mastermind' behind the preposterous plan for Liverpool to become Capital of Christmas (and an alleged mate of Sir Diddy's, ed).

(A lengthy editorial aside now follows: if anyone else has any other alliterative ideas for Liverpool to become Capital of anything else, can you please forget them and go back to the drawing board? The last thing we want for the next five years is for Liverpool to become Capital of Karaoke, Capital of Car Jacking, Capital of Cream Crackers or Capital of Cobblers (well we might make an exception with that one). Such ideas may well excite the Echo, but they really belong on the cutting room floor of a third rate public relations agency. Now where were we? ed)

Bradley believed Redmond would only use the position to soften up the ground for his bid to become elected Mayor of Liverpoool, post 2008.
So he wasn't going to let that happen.
Now that Roger Phillips has wisely spurned the Culture Company, it's not clear whether the Harbarrowboy will continue to pursue his hunt for another Cultural Ambassador to 'front' the whole show.
Perhaps we will see a glorious repeat of the disastrous Bet Lynch appointment?
Nominations for Ambassador anyone?

SO FAREWELL THEN, EDITRESS JANE....

I have it on good authority (?) that Jane Wolstenholme, esteemed editress of the Liverpool Daily Post is leaving to become a full-time novelist.
Ms Wolstenholme is, of course, also married to PR supremo Jon Brown, who last caught the attention of bloggers when he turned up at the side of Chas 'show me the money' Cole to brief the Liverpool Echo about the appearance of Madonna at the Summer Pops in 2008.
This was, of course, complete fiction, which the Echo duly swallowed.
Not surprisingly, since Mr Brown had previously been deputy editor of the Echo. (Liverpool is a real media village, isn't it? ed)
Anyway good luck to the lovely Jane, who has already penned her first work of fiction, which is attractively described as part of the 'chick-lit' genre.
She has had a six figure advance from Simon and Shuster to come up with the second novel next year and in between will be helping out Mr Brown's successful PR business in the city.
She will apparently rejoice in the pen-name of Jane Costello, so will fit on the shelves alongside Joan and Jackie Collins. (Nothing wrong with pen-names, ed)
And good luck to the lovely Mr Brown, (So we are being equally sexist then, are we? ed) who will no doubt be working hard to keep her in the style to which she has been accustomed.
We should point out gratefully, that under Ms Wolstenholme (ooerrmissus), (thought the non sexism was too good to last, ed) the Daily Post has knocked spots off its craven stablemate, the Liverpool Echo.
The Echo has ensured that its readers remain blissfully ignorant of all the scandal and corruption orchestrated by the evil cabal who governed the city.
Readers can instead concentrate all their attention on the Echo's unremittingly depressing diet of gun crime, drugs and 'D' list celebrities.
We can only hope that Ms Wolstenholme's successor shows similar journalistic talent and integrity.