JASE IS OFF SICK - GET WELL SOON!

OUR great friend Jason, the Harbarrowboy, Harbrow is currently off work from the £114million Culture Company through sickness.

For the last four months, Jase has been trying to keep secret a heart problem - which accounts for his latest absence from the Fun Palace.

His heart condition (he hasn't got one, eds) would of course give him a convenient excuse to reluctantly leave the Culture Company stage, without a stain on his fantastic public reputation. (do you think? eds)

So that makes the next move a bit more interesting for his employers, the city council, doesn't it?

Perhaps fireman Bradley will finally have his demand for Jase's head come true? Completely fortuitously, of course.

Meanwhile KenUnworthy is taking some time to find some expert legal opinion on the city council's Mathew Street debacle report (as we predicted, eds), so they are now planning to leak it next week.

MATHEW STREET DEBACLE SHOCK - NO ONE TO BLAME, BUT SCAPEGOAT FORDE

Stand by for some classic council skulduggery this week as the report on the Mathew St debacle is published.

The internal report will stand reality on its head by clearing both the Harbarrowboy and Cover Up of any blame or responsibility for the worst public relations disaster since Storey appointed Henshaw as chief exec.

Neither of course will be held to blame for cancelling Europe's biggest street music festival.

We hear that the finger will instead be pointed at Events chief Lee Forde who resigned from the £114million Culture Company in protest at Harbarrow's incompetence and the risk to public safety posed by cut-backs.

All the signs are that Forde will be made the convenient scapegoat for Harbarrow and Cover Up's incompetence and lack of judgement.

Of course it's easy for this pair of overpaid incompetents to take a pot shot at Forde now that he has left the council.

He has already vowed to take them to an industrial tribunal for unfair dismissal - so he will be fair game for whatever dirty little tactics the council can dream up to try and escape blame.

Expect all kinds of ridiculous allegations, carefully and selectively leaked to the gullible local media by the little Harbarrowboy and his grinning accomplice, the Smiling Assassin, Hasitall.

They will do anything to try and blacken Forde's name so they can appear whiter than white.

The council's report, which is due to be published by the end of the week, was today handed to "acting" City Solicitor, Michael KenUnworthy, aka the bald legal eagle.

'Cover Up' has decided to wait for expert legal opinion on the report's contents before he gives the order for it to be selectively leaked first to the Echo (then the DPost and then Radio Merseyside, trailing behind in a poor third place).

So he will be a long time waiting for expert legal opinion from KenUnworthy.

WHOOOOOOPPSS! THE BALD LEGAL EAGLE HAS (CRASH) LANDED

PREPARE yourselves dear readers, for something of a let down...

News reaches us that the city council's acting City Solicitor, Michael Kenworthy has met with an unfortunate accident.

(What goes around, comes around, as Tory Blair, i mean Tori Blare, would say, ed)

It seems that Kenworthy, also known as the bald legal eagle, was conferring with council colleagues at a civic function to mark the opening of some obscure, non-descript standards body.

As is now the tradition in our Capital of Vultures, the wine was flowing.

The cultural canapes were fast disappearing and Kenworthy was entertaining the assembled company with tales of his derring-do battle to the brink with the first Tony Parrish. (Just kidding, ed. No one was entertained.)

Then Kenworthy, who has made it his lifetime's ambition to bring TP to justice (is this the city council's own peculiar brand of 'justice' then?- ie, they first of all break the law and then spend tens of thousands of pounds of council taxpayers money trying to cover it up? ed), had a slight mishap.

As the free booze flowed and the glasses were emptied, the bald legal eagle decided to fly the nest.

But then, I believe, he suddenly complained of 'feeling faint'.

The next thing you know, the bald legal eagle had landed. Crash-landed.

He was found lying in a heap not far from the scene of the carousing.

Any suggestion that Kenworthy had imbibed a single drop of alcohol, let alone too much, would be a disgraceful slur on an upstanding city council employee who has always upheld the highest traditions of public service.

Anyone who suggested otherwise and alleged that he had been freeloading too freely with the booze, would be guilty of the kind of disgraceful defamation which the first Tony Parrish perpetrated against such fine public servants as Sir David Henshaw, Dr David McElhinney and Mr Phillip Halsall.

(Have you taken leave of your senses? ed)

The legal eagle was taken to hospital where he has undergone a series of rigorous tests at great public expense to try and trace the source of the trouble, but without success.

As one councillor accurately remarked: "He didn't have to go to Fazakerley for a brain scan however, because there was obviously no point..."

He is now on the sick from the council (wonder if McElhinney will stop his sick pay? ed) where his expert legal advice and great legal judgement is sorely missed as prostrate he lies (what goes around, comes around as Tory Blair, i mean Tori Blare, would say (again), ed).

But, I believe, he will soon return to rejoin battle with Google in his lifelong bid to unmask TP and close down all blogs in the entire known universe (of which, more later, ed)

Meanwhile his predecessor as (non-acting, ed) City Solicitor, Graeme Careerist, is apparently tryin to keep his head down in the private sector and pretend he wasn't in charge when the council broke the law so disgracefully.

THE BALD LEGAL EAGLE AND HIS HUNT FOR OUR HERO

It seems that the city council's forlorn and rather pathetic search for the first ever Tony Parrish is continuing.
Acting City Solicitor Michael Kenworthy has stepped forward for the role of Private Dick as chief aide to Inspector Clueless, Councillor Marbrow.
Kenworthy, fresh from his historic High Court defeat in the Battle of Edge Lane, is leaving no stone unturned in the bid to track down our hero, apparently.
Emails are being scanned, documents examined, files opened, computers logged, councillors questioned and staff hilariously entertained.
Inspector Clueless has been recruited as chief IT expert and fount of all knowledge on all matters technical (shurely some mistake? ed)
Councillors are also being questioned by Kenworthy about what they know and who they know it about (this should be an interesting exchange, ed)
It seems the bald legal eagle Kenworthy has vowed that he will not be happy until he has alighted on his quarry.
"It is my raison d'etre" he opined, to one startled member of staff.
Puffing himself up to his full height of 5'8", Kenworthy jowels reddened with rage as he stamped his feet and accused our hero TP of "making defamatory statements about my staff."
Which leaves us all scratching our heads a bit.
Who appointed Kenworthy as the council's Private Dick?
Which council staff were maligned in such a terrible way?
Surely it can't have been
1) Sir Diddy? (a greedy blackmailer, ed)
2) The rottweiller McElhinney? (a lying thief, ed)
3) The smiling assasin Halsall? (nuff said, ed)
Perhaps it was the council's Head of Internal Audit, Gerry Callaghan, whose integrity shattered in pieces when he snitched to Halsall about the dosssier of evidence against McElhinney. (I thought he had finally retired? ed)
So if not them - and the city council would be a bit madder than usual to defend these cabalists after the £520million KPMG report - then who? And for what? All TP's allegations were true!
Incidentally, our hero is safe and well in a secure house across the water where he is being fed grapes and having his every whim catered for by an army of admiring bloggers.
Perhaps the bald legal eagle thinks he will succeed City Solicitor Grame Creer if he can apprehend the first Tony Parrish?
In which case, his chances of promotion appear exceedingly remote.
In the meantime, we are sure he can have lots of fun in his one-man crusade - it sure beats the hell out of getting whupped by grandmothers in the High Court, doesn't it?