WHOOOOOOPPSS! THE BALD LEGAL EAGLE HAS (CRASH) LANDED

PREPARE yourselves dear readers, for something of a let down...

News reaches us that the city council's acting City Solicitor, Michael Kenworthy has met with an unfortunate accident.

(What goes around, comes around, as Tory Blair, i mean Tori Blare, would say, ed)

It seems that Kenworthy, also known as the bald legal eagle, was conferring with council colleagues at a civic function to mark the opening of some obscure, non-descript standards body.

As is now the tradition in our Capital of Vultures, the wine was flowing.

The cultural canapes were fast disappearing and Kenworthy was entertaining the assembled company with tales of his derring-do battle to the brink with the first Tony Parrish. (Just kidding, ed. No one was entertained.)

Then Kenworthy, who has made it his lifetime's ambition to bring TP to justice (is this the city council's own peculiar brand of 'justice' then?- ie, they first of all break the law and then spend tens of thousands of pounds of council taxpayers money trying to cover it up? ed), had a slight mishap.

As the free booze flowed and the glasses were emptied, the bald legal eagle decided to fly the nest.

But then, I believe, he suddenly complained of 'feeling faint'.

The next thing you know, the bald legal eagle had landed. Crash-landed.

He was found lying in a heap not far from the scene of the carousing.

Any suggestion that Kenworthy had imbibed a single drop of alcohol, let alone too much, would be a disgraceful slur on an upstanding city council employee who has always upheld the highest traditions of public service.

Anyone who suggested otherwise and alleged that he had been freeloading too freely with the booze, would be guilty of the kind of disgraceful defamation which the first Tony Parrish perpetrated against such fine public servants as Sir David Henshaw, Dr David McElhinney and Mr Phillip Halsall.

(Have you taken leave of your senses? ed)

The legal eagle was taken to hospital where he has undergone a series of rigorous tests at great public expense to try and trace the source of the trouble, but without success.

As one councillor accurately remarked: "He didn't have to go to Fazakerley for a brain scan however, because there was obviously no point..."

He is now on the sick from the council (wonder if McElhinney will stop his sick pay? ed) where his expert legal advice and great legal judgement is sorely missed as prostrate he lies (what goes around, comes around as Tory Blair, i mean Tori Blare, would say (again), ed).

But, I believe, he will soon return to rejoin battle with Google in his lifelong bid to unmask TP and close down all blogs in the entire known universe (of which, more later, ed)

Meanwhile his predecessor as (non-acting, ed) City Solicitor, Graeme Careerist, is apparently tryin to keep his head down in the private sector and pretend he wasn't in charge when the council broke the law so disgracefully.

'WOUNDED BADLY' HAS FUN AT THE FUN PALACE....

Warren Bradley came into Millennnium House on Wednesday morning to try and rally the Culture Company troops after Joe Anderson's resignation.
It was a disaster.
First he started off by telling us not to take any notice of all the nonsense in the papers and that everything was great and 2008 was going to be fantastic. Does he think we are all stupid? We know it's not great - thats why we are so fed up with it all.
People just listened in silence as he told us how everything would be fine and we were all doing a fantastic job.
Patronising bastard.
Then after his little rallying the troops act, he had the cheek to say 'right everyone, let's all get back to work now.'
It was his little joke.
You could have heard a pin drop. We were gobsmacked. There were a few coughs and splutters and the sound of papers being shuffled and then everyone just turned away from him and started talking amongst themselves.
If he had carried on, he would probably have started a punch-up.
You are also right about Lee - he will be missed, altho he is staying until the end of August to see Mathew St through apparently.
And have you heard about that walking disaster Jane Casey? - she is now working with us in the Culture Company.
Don't know how much they are paying her to keep her mouth shut - it seems as if you can create enough fuss the Culture Co will try to buy your silence - but i would now willingly mortgage my house to stop her inane and irritating chatter all over the floor. She is barking mad.

vulture

REVEALED: THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT INSPECTOR CLUELESS...

THERE'S no other way to prepare you for this, dear readers, but be warned, it will come as something of a shock. You really wouldn't believe it if you hadn't read it here first. Honestly, I had to ask my well-informed source to say it again, slowly, before I... (oh getonwithitwillya! ed)

Ok then...

Inspector Clueless, otherwise known as former councillor Richard Marbrow, has... joined a gym!

That's right, the tub of lard has joined the David Lloyd gymnasium in Speke.

Seems his abrupt departure from the political scene in the May local elections, has caused Fatso to undergo something of a mid-life crisis (he's only 76, ed) and to reflect on his past mistakes, misdemeanours and failures.

So once he has trimmed his wide girth to manageable proportions, we are expecting him to issue an abject public apology to the first Tony Parrish and to recant for his gullible subservience to the evil cabal.

How long this transformation will take we can only imagine.

Apparently, although he is a regular visitor to Mr Lloyd's fitness and fun establishment (as is that other fat bastard, Sir Diddy, ironically, ed) he does not appear to have lost much weight so far.

Perhaps he and Sir Diddy are meeting in the safety of the steam room to plot revenge on TP?

Marbrow has already apparently loudly vowed vengeance on those fellow Lib Dems who refused to allow him to take the chicken run from Kensington.

But Clueless's inability to shed a few pounds at the gym may have something to do with his unusual exercise regime.

After a hard five minutes limbering up within sight of the treadmill, he normally collapses in a dishevelled and sweaty heap. Mopping a fevered brow.

Then after helping himself to a few Mars bars to give him some extra energy, he usually takes comfort in a bucket of "food" from the nearby KFC. Washed down with a gallon of coke.

Whether Clueless ever has any room to tuck into humble pie for his 'afters', is anyone's guess.

But it would do him a world of good if he somehow learnt to swallow his pride.

We can only hope, (genuinely, ed) that he has experienced a real conversion after his well-deserved election defeat.

That a man who has above average intelligence could be so scintillatingly stupid, remains one of the great Liverpool mysteries of the 21st century.

That his overbearing lack of judgement should also be only outweighed by his self-important pomposity, is as baffling as his real age.

We hope however, that Clueless has learnt his lesson and that, in time, he will discover some much-needed maturity, humility and self-awareness.

Fat chance.

NEW ARENA SENSATION: NOT A PENNY FOR LIVERPOOL, FROM THE ECHO

THE Echo's mysterious sponsorship deal with the new Arena came as a complete surprise to the city council's ruling Executive Board, apparently.

Councillors knew nothing about the five-year deal - until they read about it in the Echo.

And no-one is now being allowed to ask questions about how much this "historic" deal is worth to the people of Liverpool.

That's despite the fact that the entire Arena has been built with £145million worth of public money!

Councillors are being fobbed off with platitudes if they ask exactly how much the Liverpool Echo is paying for the privilege of having its name on the Arena.

The subject of how much it is worth has been carefully avoided in all the publicity. (For the obvious reasons, ed)

The Echo's contribution is 'in kind' says the law-breaker Hasitall, who has been the architect of much of the deal.

What this means is that the Arena will get loads of free advertising in the paper, whose circulation is rapidly declining and which has little audience or influence beyond the city's boundaries.

This will hardly be conducive to attracting full houses for every single gig. So we can presumably, in the future, look forward to free tickets being distributed to the city council, Echo employees, etc, to get more bums on seats.

There is also an informal understanding that the deal will mean there will be no untoward critiscism of the Arena appearing in the pages of the paper (a la Capital of Culture, then, ed)

Fireman Bradley hopes that getting the Echo even further on board will mean they become even more slavishly uncritical.

It's called buying influence...(with public money, too, ed)

But there will be no actual money in the bank for the city council, which has contributed £12million and will own and run the Arena.

The council of course is currently £29million in the red and talking about years of hefty council tax rises to pay for 2008.

The deal also depressingly underlines the small town ambitions of those who were in the know about the deal - Hasitall, fireman Bradley and Storey.

They decided to copy neighbouring Manchester's example of course, where their 'twice the size' Arena has a longstanding and very successful deal with the Manchester Evening News.

"Oh, I know, we can do a sponsorship deal with the Echo, like Manchester," said Storey, with an impressive outburst of originality and creativity.

However the M.E.N has, of course, parted with millions of pounds to get its name and brand all over the Manchester Arena.

But not a penny for Liverpool from the Echo, which of course, is owned by the hugely profitable Trinity Mirror.

In other words, we were sold short again...