HAS JASE ALREADY DONE A RUNNER, EVEN WITH HIS DODGY TICKER?

FEVERISH speculation concerning the whereabouts and intentions of Culture Company barrow boy Jason Harbarrowboy.

Jase's up-for-sale house on the Wirral is now boasting a 'Sold' sign and he has finally been granted Spanish dual nationality.

His wife and daughter have already fled to the Costa del Crime and Jase is reported to have joined them while on sick leave with a dodgy ticker.

One attractive theory has it that Jase will now go on the sick for six months, while sheltering in the shade of his hacienda.

Then he will persuade some pliable cardiac consultant to testify that his heart condition is stress-related - thus allowing Jason to quietly and reluctantly hang up his gold jewellery with a huge pay-off from the city council.

And the sympathy of the entire city and no stain on his reputation (shurely shome mistake? eds)

Then he can settle back into his hammock, top up his perma-tan and sip pina coladas until Kingdom Come - thanks to the generosity of the people of Liverpool.

"Difficult job very well done, invaluable contribution, Culture now moved into delivery phase, Redmond in charge, terribly sad, ill-health prevented Jason playing active role, nothing to do with Mathew Street mess, wish him well, sorry to see him go, hope he gets better soon, huge pay-off will help cushion the blow," goes Colin Cover Up's prepared script.

All of which neatly prevents the Harbarrowboy having to take any of the responsibility for cocking up Culture and wasting the city's best opportunity for a generation.

It is also alleged that the rottweiller McElhinney, (ooooooooh, that evil bastard is back on the scene, is he? eds) who is in charge of the city council's inHuman Relations Dept, has promised not to pursue Jase's sickness claim, or to insist on forcing him to take regular medical examinations back in Blighty, or to stake out his casa with private dicks seeking evidence of him partying late into the Spanish sunset with Cockney ne'er do wells and unidentified blondes.

No surprise really - after all, this lot are all members of the cabal, piss in the same pot and will look after each other, won't they?

On the other hand, Jase could be back in charge of Culture next week. (Gawdhelpus, eds)

Then again, he has probably already been given his ticket to ride.

Two tickets to one of the cultural highlights of 2008 for the best picture caption!